I grew up in a home that was filled with guilt. As bizarre as it may seem, that guilt grew out of very generous behaviour. My parents always thought of other people. In many cases, they were forced to. Both worked hard and were always striving to do better. While not rich or even financially comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, the fiscal stability my parents had achieved often made our relatives envious. This led family members to drop their problems at our doorstep. I can’t remember a time when some poor or sick relative wasn’t living in our house. When children couldn’t be easily managed or needed temporary shelter, family members didn’t think twice about leaving them with us for extended periods of time.
Despite the added responsibilities heaped on our family, I can honestly say that I never felt slighted. However, there was an emotional price to be paid for the ‘enforced’ generosity. Most of our family’s acts of kindness were rewarded with jealousy and ingratitude. This led us to hold each other to a higher standard when it came to appreciation. That higher standard was actually guilt in disguise and began to affect everything we did for each other. As a child, it was particularly upsetting to me. If I did anything purely for myself it triggered thoughts like, ‘Think of someone else besides yourself for a change.’ So I did. In fact, thinking of other people and putting them first became a really bad habit. Not because there’s anything wrong with being unselfish, but because I often forgot to be as generous with myself as I was trying to be with others.
It took me years to recognise the problem. I began to see how those I tried to help often rewarded my efforts with the same ingratitude and jealousy that my parents had experienced. It was a classic case of personal neglect. I had become focused on satisfying the personal feelings of guilt that had been imprinted on my soul during the early years of my life. When your life is driven by guilt, there’s very little room for personal appreciation, achievement or growth. The best way to step out of that mould is by understanding that actions driven by guilt and those motivated by kindness are two separate things.
Guilt is a dictator. It says we must help someone or face the emotional backlash that we heap on ourselves. Kindness, on the other hand, is self-sacrifice. It motivates us to help someone without any reward. Unlike guilt, kindness allows us to choose whom we help and how we render that assistance. Guilt always insists that we have a direct part in helping people. For better or worse, it makes us the unwilling instrument of everyone’s deliverance. Kindness motivates us to find others who can assist needy people in a better way than we can.
Guilt promotes obsessive behaviour. A good example is pet rescue people. I’ve met many over the years. Some are very well-meaning individuals who volunteer their time and efforts to bring unwanted animals into legitimate shelters. Others have convinced themselves that no one can care for abandoned animals as they can. As a result, they fill their homes with unwanted animals. Lacking the finances, knowledge or facilities to care for these creatures, they end up doing far more harm then good. Each year, all kinds of abandoned animals are found in very poor condition in these people’s homes or on their property.
Once you learn to ignore guilt as a motivation for helping people, you can really begin to appreciate yourself and others properly. True appreciation is a halfway point between what’s good for you and what’s good for someone else. You must learn not to cross completely over to either side. Instead, maintain an awareness of those who assist you on a regular basis. When you get a chance to return that assistance, do so in a measured way. People with a good grasp on reality understand and respond well to that kind of give and take.
True self-appreciation can be a tough goal to achieve. Sadly some of those people who feel bad about themselves will do their best to make sure that we join their ranks. These are the negativists who see the bad side of everyone and everything. Even when something good happens to them, they focus on the bad things
Part of mastering self-appreciation is being able to admit that no one is perfect. People who appreciate themselves and others know how to face mistakes. Instead of assigning blame; they look for solutions that will work out for the mutual benefit of all concerned. What better expression of appreciation could anyone offer?
I grew up in a home that was filled with guilt. As bizarre as it may seem, that guilt grew out of very generous behaviour. My parents always thought of other people. In many cases, they were forced to. Both worked hard and were always striving to do better. While not rich or even financially comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, the fiscal stability my parents had achieved often made our relatives envious. This led family members to drop their problems at our doorstep. I can’t remember a time when some poor or sick relative wasn’t living in our house. When children couldn’t be easily managed or needed temporary shelter, family members didn’t think twice about leaving them with us for extended periods of time. 
