When your children become teenagers you don’t have to wave goodbye to healthy relationships with your offspring
Many parents find that once their children have reached a certain age, usually in their mid-teens, the level of communication and closeness of the relationship may begin to fade. Some parents simply assume that their children have matured and no longer have use for such a close relationship. Parents may feel ‘un-cool’ or disconnected from their children’s interests or hobbies. Consequently, they give up on trying to maintain the former closeness with their teenage children’s, but parents can very easily stay involved in their children’s lives without running into trouble.Here are my five top tips:
1. Keep an open mind Times have changed since you were a child, but nobody is expecting you keep up with all the current trends. Your children’s hobbies, the music they listen to or other cultural interests may seem extreme or strange to you. Nevertheless, you can choose to keep an open mind regarding their interests. By being receptive to the new things that your children are involved with, you place yourself in a better position to have a say in their lives. They will be more comfortable discussing their interests around you, knowing that they are not risking a lecture.
2. Ask genuine questions So, you’re keeping an open mind to the seemingly ridiculous hobbies your child loves so dearly. Why not learn a bit about those interests? By becoming genuinely interested, not only will you learn more about how your children are spending their time, but you will learn more about their personalities and what kind of people they are. Furthermore, they will respect the fact that you take an active interest in their pastimes, and will be more than willing to fill you in on current trends or teach you about their passions. Often, parents disqualify themselves by engaging in discussion that simply does not interest their children. By choosing subject matter they are passionate about, you can ensure that yours will be willing to engage in extended conversation. Afterwards, you might even find them asking about your hobbies. But again, I say, your interest must stem from a genuine desire to connect with your children. If you try to fake it they’ll know it and you will be able to smell the fires of bridges burning!
3. Give them good advice At this critical stage in their lives your children need reliable mentors they can look to for advice. They may be having issues with finding their true identity, planning their future, or managing relationships. As a parent, it is your duty to guide them in these times of need. This does not mean you should live vicariously through them and demand they make certain choices, but instead offer guiding advice that can help them to make wise decisions. You have more life experience, and it is this experience that qualifies you to give sound advice. Be honest with your children. Tell them stories about similar situations you were in, describe your method of dealing with them, and explain the outcome (good or bad). These stories can help your children resolve complicated problems or guide them through matters with which they are inexperienced. Do not be afraid to ‘be the parent’. Your children will begin to rely on you to help them through when they are experiencing difficulties in life. This aspect of the relationship will bring you closer together and establish trust.
4. Be fair Studies have shown that a parent-child relationship is, to some degree, dependent upon the child’s perception of fairness. This means that if your children think you are being unfair in any matter of parenting, the quality of the relationship, as far as they are concerned, is in question. Everyone makes mistakes, so it is important to give your children some slack when they mess up. If they’re getting poor grades, make sure you attempt to help them find solutions to the problem, instead of yelling at them about it. If they’ve made a poor decision or two, it is far more important to make sure they’ve learned from their mistakes than to push them. Negative reinforcement can work occasionally, but too much negativity will make them believe that you are being unfair. Often they can become frustrated with their own shortcomings and failures, and it is much better to help them resolve their issues than to contribute more stress by being unreasonable or negative.
5. Let them breathe! While it may seem as if your children are uncommunicative or unwilling to spend lots of time with you, it is important to remember that they are passing through a very difficult and confusing phase of their lives. Gauge their responses to your attempts to get closer, and act accordingly. Common sense and intuition are keys to helping your child through this unstable time. Ensure that they know you love them and are always available to help them, no matter what. Help them to understand that they should never be afraid to approach you regarding any subject, even controversial issues such as drugs, alcohol or sex. If they feel comfortable talking to you about these things, the gap between you decreases. As they mature, they may close the gap naturally themselves as they realise the importance of family relationships. The bottom line is, how-ever distant your children may seen now, a normal relationship can be restored by constantly letting them know that they are loved and by investing your time and energy, not only in providing for their physical needs, but also their mental and spiritual well-being.
When your children become teenagers you don’t have to wave goodbye to healthy relationships with your offspring
