Do you wish you had more money? When you feel down do you go out and spend it to cheer yourself up, then get depressed when you get into debt? Or are you a miser – hanging onto it to make sure you don’t end up with none?
We all have differing ideas about money, but when it comes to discussing it, most people would rather talk about their sex lives!
Olivia Mellan, a financial consultant in Washington DC, says, ‘Money is the last taboo in life. . . . Everyone believes that if only they had more, life would be better, but that’s not true. If a person is cautious with money now, with a little more they only be more cautious. If they’re great spenders, they’d only spend more.’
Often our money attitudes are inherited from our parents, or are a reaction against their attitudes. Mandy, 31, recalls, ‘Money was never discussed at home, although my Dad worried aloud about not having enough, and got mad with Mum for spending too much. I grew up with the idea that we were quite poor but, looking back, I can see that we did very well, with quite a big house in a nice neighbourhood. My brother and I went to university. Today, though, I tend to hold on to every penny.’
Jackie, 29, heard her father say much the same thing, but did not believe it. ‘It always sounded like an excuse. One day I asked my dad for money for new clothes and he called a family meeting. He had cashed his pay cheque in notes and put them all on the table. Then he gathered all the bills for that month and set aside the amounts required to settle the bills. Before he got to the end of distributing his salary my sister and I were working out ways we could get part-time jobs so that we wouldn’t have to ask our parents for luxuries! Looking back at how little extra money my parents had, I think they did very well, but I now tend to spend whatever money I have because I don’t like to feel deprived in any way.’
Doing the opposite of what our parents did is a common response. Olivia Mellan says, ‘People adopt their parents’ attitude towards money or do the opposite, but they are equally controlled.’
One way to get your relationship with money sorted is to write down one or two things you feel are positive, and one or two that are negative. On the positive side you might come up with, ‘I am always able to save something’, or ‘I usually have enough to live on’, and on the negative side, ‘I would like more’, or ‘I am worth more.’
Olivia advises: ‘When you’ve looked at what you’ve written down, identify where to start in changing the negative part. Denial is a big factor in keeping us stuck. Realise that there is nothing on your list that is unchangeable.’
For instance, Judith, a housewife, had always considered herself quite stringent with money. When she wrote this down on the negative side, she realised that by being thrifty she had managed to make the household budget go a long way. There had always been food on the table, clothes for the children, and a family holiday once in a while. She realised that her negative was actually a positive.
For many, money is tied up with happiness, love, power, independence, self-worth and security, but Olivia warns: ‘Money is only pounds and pence. It’s important to be sensible about how much worth you attach to money and also to negate any myths that have a hold on you.’
How do you get rid of ‘money myths’? Myth 1: ‘Money equals happiness’ This is probably the most common money myth. But people who find that happiness doesn’t automatically come with wealth can become disillusioned and depressed.
Instead of falling for this one, try to think of things that make you happy but which require little or no money, preferably those things that can be done with another person such as a walk in the countryside or park, fun-time with your children, or a heart-to-heart chat with a friend. There’s no amount of money in the world can buy these pleasures.
Myth 2: ‘Money equals love’. Despite the fact that money doesn’t, in fact, equal love, we still go on buying ourselves things because we feel unloved. This can lead to overspending, and the problem is more widespread than most people realise. In the first week of operating, Debtors Anonymous, in New York, had 25,000 people call for that reason alone.
Debunk the myths!
Think of all the people you know who have money but who don’t have much love in their lives. Then think of those you know with little money who are nevertheless able to give and receive warmth and affection freely.
Olivia advises: ‘Try to find something that fills you up from the inside. Using money as the answer is just a way of keeping the charade going and masking the pain.’
Forget the idea that ‘money means freedom’. Some people think that if they had enough money they’d give up their jobs and travel the world. The truth is that most people who do travel the world do so on shoestring budgets. They go out and experience the local culture, and they almost never stay in expensive hotels. It isn’t money you need – it’s motivation! Without that, even money can’t get you going.
Do you want to change? You do? Let’s look at one idea.
Practise being the opposite of your money personality for a month.
If, for instance, you’re a money hoarder, try spending a significant amount on an impulsive purchase. (Shock! Horror!)
If, on the other hand, you’re a spender, stop yourself from making an impulsive purchase and put the money in a savings account. (What?!)
Consider, too, taking a risk with your money if you are a risk-avoider where money is concerned. There’s a lot of need in the world, and many people far worse off than you. Give to a worthy cause. You may never know what good it does, but you can always visualise what you hope it will do.
Have a money goal. Another solution is to give yourself a goal regarding your spending or saving. Write your goal down. For instance, ‘I will save so many pounds a week from now on.’ Write it on the calendar you consult most often. That way you can’t miss it! You might, of course, have to write: ‘I will spend so many pounds a week from now on’! You could also punish or reward yourself when you fail in your resolve, but that’s up to you.
A sensible money goal can help you handle those money problems that are ruining your relationships.
Take the case of Sandra. Her husband Bill wants a joint account but she insists on separate bank books. She knows that her fear is partly due to messages she picked up in childhood.
‘My father was a worrier when it came to money. He made me account for every penny I spent. As a result, when I grew up I went to the opposite extreme, not keeping tabs on what I was spending. When Bill wanted a joint account, I saw it as his way of trying to control me the way my father did and I refused to let that happen.’
While this is one very valid reason for Sandra’s strong aversion to a joint account, there can be other reasons – such as feeling your partner doesn’t trust you, or that you can’t trust him/her! It’s important for both of you to try to see the other’s point of view.
Talk to your partner. It’s best to choose a quiet time, when each of you can discuss your attitudes to, or problems with money in turn. Share your childhood memories as well as your hopes and dreams about money. Tell your partner how you feel about their spending habits, and be prepared to listen when she or he tells you how they feel about yours!
It’s important, however, that this sharing includes positive as well as negative feelings. If you’re a risk-taker and your partner is a risk-avoider, tell him/her that you admire how practical he/she is in money matters. In turn, she/he may feel able to express her/his admiration at your courage in taking chances with money.
Finally, and most importantly, discuss the practicalities of those expressed aims, dreams and hopes. Whether you settle for a shared account or not, you must share a budget plan which will help you achieve your individual and joint goals.
Having mutual money goals can help towards a more satisfying and rewarding relationship. It’s just important not to allow money, or the lack of it, to stand in the way of your happiness.
There’s an old saying you’ve probably heard: ‘Money is the root of all evil.’ The quotation actually reads: ‘The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.’* Money is only pounds and pence. It’s what you do with it that matters, and that applies whether you have little or lots.
Do you wish you had more money? When you feel down do you go out and spend it to cheer yourself up, then get depressed when you get into debt? Or are you a miser – hanging onto it to make sure you don’t end up with none?
