Miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy at any time in the first twenty-four weeks. Nearly all of these (about 4 out of 5) are in the first twelve weeks. Miscarriage can be a very lonely, frightening and distressing experience for women and their partners. But couples who experience miscarriage need to know that it is not uncommon, that it is not their fault and that there is support available.
Speaking about her own experience of miscarriage, Kelly says, ‘After the immediate trauma, disbelief, sadness and pain came the question “why?� and not just “why� but “Why me?� Did I do something wrong? Did I not take enough folic acid? Did I do too much exercise, or too little? Did I eat the wrong foods? Was it that stumble up the stairs? Was I too stressed?
‘Then there was immense disappointment. I had just spent weeks adjusting, planning, buying for and thinking about my new baby and then there was nothing, just a great big baby-shaped hole in my life, that nothing else could fill.
‘Then came the in-between time, the time while we were “trying again�. During this period there was quite a lot of bitterness. My world seemed to be filled with pregnant women, in the shops, on the streets, on the telly, and I was sure that none of them was as healthy, committed, or as desperate as I was to have a baby. It all seemed so dreadfully unfair.’
Why does miscarriage happen? Often no one will be able to tell exactly why someone has suffered a miscarriage. Some reasons for miscarriage can include:
Genetic information missing in the foetus to enable the pregnancy to develop normally
The baby may not have implanted itself into the womb lining correctly
Infection Often it is nature’s way of ensuring that when women have a baby it has the best chance of developing properly.
Signs of miscarriage
Vaginal bleeding – however, this may just be a sign of a threatened miscarriage and the pregnancy may continue
Abdominal pain
It is important if you experience bleeding or any abnormal pain during pregnancy to contact your GP as soon as possible. If the bleeding does not settle, you will probably need to be referred to hospital for a scan. Sometimes if a woman has had a miscarriage and the womb is not completely emptied an operation may be required. This procedure involves cleaning out the womb and is to prevent infection from setting in.
Bleeding can last between 7 and 10 days after a miscarriage and a woman’s normal periods should recommence again in 6 weeks. When you feel ready you can start to try again for a baby but it is often recommended that you have one normal period before trying again. Miscarriage does not mean that you will not be able to get pregnant again and continue to have a healthy baby.
How can I prepare myself for another pregnancy? As already discussed, the most common reasons for miscarriage can’t be known or helped. But women can begin to prepare themselves for pregnancy by taking regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, reducing stress and getting their weight to within normal limits. Reducing alcohol intake and stopping smoking will also help.
It is important to be aware that some women may experience some of the following feelings after a miscarriage:
Shock
Numbness
Emptiness
Anger
Sadness, crying
Loss of interest in everyday life
Constant tiredness
Sense of bereavement
Depression
Loss of concentration
Feelings of guilt and failure
Isolation and loneliness
Lack or loss of interest in sex
Pain or jealousy at the sight of pregnant women, babies or anything to do with motherhood.
Talking about it all the time or, conversely, finding it too painful to talk.
Kelly offers the following advice: ‘In order to preserve my sanity, and my marriage, I made a conscious decision to accept that some pregnancies were simply not meant to be, that there must have been a reason, or reasons, for my miscarriages and that it was ultimately for the best. Maybe my body wasn’t ready. Maybe there was a problem with the baby. Maybe the conditions were not right. I’m glad I stopped asking why. I feel that if I had continued to dwell on what might have been I would not have been able to move on.’
Who can help? Kelly says, ‘People can only give you support and understanding if they know what is happening to you. When you’ve just lost a baby the last thing you want to do is approach anyone to tell them that you were pregnant but now you aren’t pregnant. There is an unwritten rule that you don’t tell anyone you are pregnant until you reach 12 weeks and are out of the “danger zone�. I understand that you may not want to broadcast it far and wide but having been in this situation twice my advice would be this: If there are people that you would want to tell if you lost a baby, and people that you would need to tell if you lost a baby, then these are the people you should consider informing early on that you are pregnant.’ Along with family and friends there are a number of organisations providing support and information about miscarriage:
The Miscarriage association – this association provides support and information for people suffering the effects of pregnancy loss. www.miscarriageassociation.org.ukTel: 01924 200799
Baby Loss – This website aims to provide information and support online for anyone affected by the death of a baby during pregnancy, at birth, or shortly afterwards. www.babyloss.com
Women’s Health – This website provides information on the facts about miscarriage and how to help someone you know who has suffered form a miscarriage. www.womens-health.co.uk
How to help someone who has experienced a miscarriage.
Listen, allow them to talk and express their feelings.
Let them know that you care and want to help.
Acknowledge their loss and express your sorrow about what has happened.
Allow them to talk about their loss whenever they want to.
Reassure them that it wasn’t their fault.
Don’t say you know how they feel unless you have experienced a miscarriage yourself.
Don’t make comments which, in any way, suggest that the loss was their fault.
Don’t say that they can always have another baby.
Don’t forget the partner – they have feelings too and probably wanted the baby just as much. Allow them to express their feelings too.
Miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy at any time in the first twenty-four weeks. Nearly all of these (about 4 out of 5) are in the first twelve weeks. Miscarriage can be a very lonely, frightening and distressing experience for women and their partners. But couples who experience miscarriage need to know that it is not uncommon, that it is not their fault and that there is support available.
