Change isn’t easy. Even a change for the better unsettles us and makes us look at ourselves and our lives in a different way. But, whether we like it or not, change is inevitable and has to be faced. How much better, then, if we can learn to see change as a challenge, as an opportunity, rather than something to be afraid of.
Of course, this is much easier when the changes are of our own making, but what about the times when something changes that you didn’t want to? Life can deal us some pretty rotten cards at times and we can find ourselves having to come to terms with ill-health, redundancy, divorce, death of a loved one, to name but a few.
When facing such undesired changes, as in all things, our attitude can make that all-important difference to how we cope. It helps if we understand that the process of change is a well-documented one, which can be seen to have a beginning, a middle and an end. The process of change often begins with a period of denial but, equally, it often ends in a new, and hopefully better, way.
Once we are aware of these stages and realise that we all go through them (albeit at varying speeds), we realise that we are not alone and that things will improve. By seeing change as a challenge rather than a threat, we are taking charge once again, looking to the future rather than the past.
The process of change, especially regarding ‘uninvited’ changes, has been compared with a journey which is undertaken in six stages. The first half of the journey is the ‘downward slope’ as we struggle with shock, anger and depression. But in the second half things start to pick up as we begin to experience new ideas and make new decisions. Gradually a ‘new way’ presents itself as we rise above our circumstances and take a different view. Let’s take a closer look at each of these stages:
1 Shock and disbelief Initially, when dealt a blow, you’ll probably not believe what’s happening to you – you don’t want to believe it so you deny it. You don’t want to talk about the problem at all, holding to the unreasonable view that if you don’t it will simply go away.
We are all creatures of habit and life is full of mundane routines. The fact that you have ‘always’ done something/had someone there and this is no longer the case is a big shock to the system. For a time you bottle up your feelings. But you do move on.
2 Frustration and anger Beginning to realise that the problem is not going to go away by itself, that life is changing, you become angry. You ask yourself, God, anyone else who will listen, ‘Why pick on me?’ and, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ Like a child you want to stamp your feet and scream at the world, ‘It’s not fair!’ – but who said life was going to be fair?
A feeling of being stuck is quite common at this stage. Fear creeps in – things are changing that are outside of your control, and you’re scared – of course you are – but fear is natural and it has to be faced. As Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, says, ‘We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us in all our exciting adventures.’
Unfortunately, the next stage is the lowest point along the route, and those who have not admitted to their fear (if only to themselves) are likely to find this particularly difficult. The motto here, then, is to ‘Look fear in the face’.
3 Depression and loss of confidence At this stage you may well feel that you’re about to give up; you’re tired and probably suffering from the ‘Why bother?’ blues. Questioning your abilities to change, to cope with the new, you really don’t want to face up to the reality of things. You have a desperate desire to cling on to your old life and can’t bear to think about the future.
It’s vital that you concentrate on the positive here. Get into the habit of making a list – every day – of positive statements about yourself and your life. Think about what you’ve achieved today (no matter how small), what you are good at, what you like about yourself, the nice things that people have said about you, and so on. Of course, you’ll have plenty of negative thoughts, but every time one creeps into your head, say ‘STOP!’ and replace it with a positive alternative. Try it. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.
Another excellent strategy is to write it all out. Committing such thoughts to paper really does seem to exorcise them, as an American study of redundant workers has shown. Here, psychologists asked half of a group of redundant computer workers to spend twenty minutes each day, for five days, writing down their thoughts and feelings. Comparing the two groups, eight months later, they discovered that 50% of the ‘writers’ had new employment, as opposed to 18% of the ‘non-writers’. They concluded that writing had helped the volunteers to release their negative emotions, face up to their situation, and to feel in control once again.
As you move through this stage you begin to let go, to move to the next, more optimistic stage.
4 Ideas and experiments One day you suddenly find yourself having ideas of the ‘I supposes I could try’ kind. Many of them will be dismissed (and then lost) as ridiculous and you’ll wonder how you could possibly have thought of such a crazy idea! But now is the time to ask yourself if it is really such a silly idea, or if it’s something you’ve always dreamed of. Remember that Freud believed our dreams (including daydreams) are an expression of our innermost desires. So, why not trust your instincts and give those ideas a little more thought?
Again, write them all down – ideas of how to cope, how to move on, ideas for the future. Sensible ideas, silly ideas, they all count. In the world of ideas you really can’t have too many. The more you have, the better the chances of finding the right way ahead for you.
You may be surprised and disappointed, at this stage, to find that some people are not as supportive as you would have hoped. They may even try to stop you from moving on. Why? Because you are already changing and, in the process of doing so, you are challenging their view of ‘how things are’. Other people can find this very threatening, especially if they are overly fearful of change themselves! Make another list of your ‘Go for it’ friends and see as much of them as you can. You need all the encouragement you can get.
5 Decisions You are very definitely on the way up now.
The philosopher and poet Goethe stated, ‘The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.’ We all know how true this is, how one thing leads to another, but the important point here is that you have to do it; you have to make the positive decision to do something and then to follow it through. Goethe also said, ‘Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!’
You might feel a little shaky at first, so cheat a little and role-play. By this I mean that you should add all the trappings of your New You to your everyday life. So if, for example, you’ve decided to take up a new sport, go out and spend as much as you can afford on a club membership, the kit, etc. Looking the part will help you behave as if this really is the New You, until one day you are no longer pretending. You have arrived.
6 A new way You’re there – at last! You have finally accepted the changes, adapted to your new circumstances, and are now perfectly comfortable with the New You. It won’t have been easy, but you’ve learned an incredible amount along the road of change and you are now a stronger person as a result. No wonder, then, that this stage has also been called Back From The Dead!
Being able to adapt to change, to welcome it, to see possibilities in any situation, is a truly valuable asset. And the beauty is that once we have faced and dealt with undesired change, once we have turned adversity into opportunity, we know that we have gained the inner resources to cope should we need to in the future. As someone once said, ‘A disaster is only a challenge. An easy life teaches you nothing.’ So, next time life deals you a blow, turn it into a challenge and change your life – for the better.
Change isn’t easy. Even a change for the better unsettles us and makes us look at ourselves and our lives in a different way. But, whether we like it or not, change is inevitable and has to be faced. How much better, then, if we can learn to see change as a challenge, as an opportunity, rather than something to be afraid of. 
