A couple of years ago, I received an urgent email from the mother of a 5-year-old girl who was still in nappies and refusing to use the toilet. ‘Help!’ the mum pleaded. Her daughter was slated to begin school in four months, and the school had said they would not accept her unless she required no help going to the bathroom.
I don’t usually render assistance by email, but this situation was challenging. So I emailed the mother back, stating that if she would take the following week off work and devote herself firmly to enforcing the plan I recommended, I’d help her.
She responded that she couldn’t take time off from work right now, and besides, her daughter was going to be in a recital in a month. Could we wait until after the recital was over?
No, I said. Either she agree to my timetable or I wasn’t interested.
All right, she replied, she’d take the week off and do whatever I said. (Many of today’s parents need discipline almost as much as do their children.)
I instructed the mother to send her daughter to spend the day with a relative or friend and then to remove from the house all signs of her ever having worn nappies. I also told her to remove all the daughter’s personal possessions from her room and the rest of the house, leaving only essential clothing and furniture. She was to store these things where her daughter couldn’t get to them.
I continued: ‘When the girl comes home, inform her that she will no longer be wearing nappies, and hand her a pair of the thinnest of cotton pants. Then take her to her room and tell her that she will live with nothing but clothing and furniture until she begins using the toilet successfully and reliably.’
Furthermore, if she has an ‘on purpose’ (as opposed to an ‘accident’ – let’s face it, folks, that’s what you call it after a child has passed her third birthday), she would spend the remainder of the day in The Most Boring Bedroom in the World and go to bed immediately after supper. She could, however, earn parole if, while she’s in her room, she asks permission to use the toilet and does so successfully.
I told the mother that under no circumstances were she and her husband to encourage their daughter to use the toilet or to ask if she needed to. They should also avoid talking about the problem where she could overhear them. Instead of micromanaging, as they had been doing, they were to stand back, giving the child plenty of room to make the decisions she needed to make.
‘How long will this take?’ the mum asked in desperation.
‘Not long,’ I said, ‘if you do exactly as I say.’
This was hardly the first time I’d recommended kicking a child out of the Garden of Eden. Time and again this admittedly extreme – but not harsh – discipline has proven itself with children of all ages (except infancy and toddlerhood, of course).
The next weekend, our little nappy queen spent a day with her aunt. When she returned home and was shown her room, she pitched the fit to end all fits and promptly pood in her pants. Mum made her clean herself up and put her in her room. Naomi Campbell had nothing on the tantrum that ensued. Three hours later, she calmed down and, sobbing, asked to use the toilet. And she never again had an ‘on purpose’.
Every three days thereafter (contingent on no ‘on purposes’), Mum and Dad returned one of her possessions. Several months later, her life was normal. Her parents gleefully reported that not only was she doing well in school, but her overall behaviour at home had improved dramatically as well. She had also been placed first in her recital.
It must have been a lot easier to perform without nappies on!
by John Rosemond
Family psychologist John Rosemond is the author of eleven best-selling parenting books and is the most popular speaker in his field in America. For more information, visit his website at www.rosemond.com.
A couple of years ago, I received an urgent email from the mother of a 5-year-old girl who was still in nappies and refusing to use the toilet. ‘Help!’ the mum pleaded. Her daughter was slated to begin school in four months, and the school had said they would not accept her unless she required no help going to the bathroom.
